In Modes, we were assigned to write a 4 page screenplay based on a proposed dialogue. Mine was to be about a homeless person giving a student advice at a bus stop. It is one scene, because we weren't allowed to have any more (or less) than two characters, and there's no reason to have multiple scenes when it's just gonna be two characters talking. The goal is to have a natural flow of dialogue, while demonstrating good screenplay writing technique and having as much of three part structure as possible.
I didn't think much of my screenplay draft. Wrote it overnight and finished it before class. Thought there was a bit of a dark humor to it, but when my classmates acted it out--it turned out a lot funnier than when reading it. So it got a good reaction and I'm satisfied with it so far. This is just the draft, and I have to draw a storyboard to go along with it. So I'm looking for feedback, but don't be a tactless asshole. I'm not majoring in writing, and there were boundaries to what kind of plot I was allowed to write. It is unoffically titled 'Bus Stop'. I think that is a horrible title and I'd be open to suggestions for a new one. Keep in mind that I'm not a fan of one-word titles.
Here is the PDF. Enjoy.
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I am doing this on my iPhone so please bear with me ...
ReplyDelete1. I liked how you presented a very important message about "money" being the differentiating factor between the two.
2. I liked the scripting I mean the dialogue structure. None of them were too long , because then it gets boring for me:-P ( and I absolutely have no idea about films or how to write a script... So I don't know what I am talking about lol... )
3. I did not get the Bible part ? Was it just to add humor? I did not get the point ...
Finally, I may have to read it again to give you a better feedback :-) overall i felt it was good ... Did your classmates (who were assigned the similar topic) come up with something similar though ?!
Just keep in mind that I know nothing about Modes or scripting :-P
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My classmates all had different topics. Mine was the only one with this scenario. I'll consider revising the Bible part. It was meant to establish a difference in faith between the characters.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... Astronomy vs bible ! I can see that now :-) probably I have to read it more carefully on a bigger screen :-)
ReplyDeleteAnd, the reason I asked about your peers was because, I wanted to know what their story line was (if any) ... I was interested to see if yours were unique :-) I am pretty sure it is ... Because I just thought about it for like 40 secs and I could think about two (really!) lame storylines (and no I am not sharing it, lol ) None of them was similar to what you wrote :-)
I'll read it again later tomorrow :-) but I am sure it's pretty well done already :-)
Cheers!
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The Astronomy is referring to how early religions which worshiped the sun and the celestial patterns told stories which each religion since has "borrowed" (hence bastardization). Such as the story of Jesus being similar to patterns of the sun--resides in the sky, sheds its light, wears a crown of thorns (sun rays), rests on the cross (the crux constellation), virgin marry (costellation Virgo), three kings following the eastern star (constellation three kings--orion's belt--points to the eastern star, Sirius) and so on and so forth. So its just a reference to their different ideas of faith which has a lot of undertones that i didnt get into.
ReplyDeleteThir originality varied. I suppose the more original they got, the more silly they became. The more realistic scripts seemed more basic, but good dialogue. Mine seemed to play around more with joining two very different characters whereas every screenplay that I had the chance to read by my classmates matched up two very alike characters. Nothing wrong with that. Makes more sense that friends would be having a conversation. Mine was more of a confrontation of strangers. The student, being very uncomfortable with the conversation. There weren't many other dialogues by my classmates which included a character who didn't want to be having the conversation. So I suppose those are the general differences.
The plots that I came up with were actually between two similar characters (i am such a cliche :-( ....) thanks for the explanation :-) i actually find your thought process very interesting ... May be because mine is just mediocre :-)
ReplyDeleteI liked the screenplay a lot. From what little I actually know about screenplays, I think yours has the right style of a screenplay.
ReplyDeleteYour characters are good for just having four pages to write about them. Although, I think the homeless man could even be crazier, could screw up the analogy of peter pan and corporate pirates even more. Haha. I mean you don't have to worry about actual character development in just four pages.
I find it surprising that your classmates would use stories involving similar characters. Having very different characters and using foil characters is much better writing and is more interesting to read.
P.S. "Chaaaaaaange! Chaaaaaaaaaaange! Do you have any change?" =P
ReplyDeleteSo, I read the script again.. (this time on a bigger screen ). I think it's perfect. (Other than the Stephens' comment on that opening conversation about the 'Change'..) I think you should consider changing it to : "Chaaaaaaange! Chaaaaaaaaaaange! Do you have any change?" instead.
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Lol... I totally forgot that I had started this blog couple years ago.. Thanks to my earlier post for reminding me about that...
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